Personal Boundaries Part III

OK, folks. Let’s finish up this chat about personal boundaries…..those invisible demarcations between ourselves and others. We cannot see them, but we sure do know when they have been violated. We violate the boundaries of our children all the time, thinking that is our right. Oh yes, we do! When we disrespect the little person by grabbing her harshly, when we scream at him, when we give one of them a smack (Yes, I do, oh, I DO understand the impetus to do this. They absolutely can try our patience!), we have violated their boundaries. As my one and only child is grown, I am allowed to pontificate on this…..you don’t know her name and can’t check with her, but if you could she would absolutely state that I violated her boundaries quite a bit when she was little. But, as Maya Angelou has explained, and as Oprah paraphrases, “When I know better, I do better.” I hope that I have learned something in the intervening years since she was small and now. Now I understand the damage we do when we disrespect our child’s boundaries while we insist that they respect ours. Children always learn by what we do much more than what we say. We model for our children how to set interpersonal boundaries. If you are a woman remaining in an abusive marriage or domestic alliance, you are demonstrating to both your sons and daughters that it is acceptable to be abused. Little boys who witness domestic violence are six times more likely (600% more likely) to batter their female partners than are those little boys who do not witness this. Little girls who watch Mom getting wacked or verbally abused grow up to experience the same. This is all true even if the children in question tell themselves, “I will never strike my partner.” Or, “I will leave in a heartbeat if my partner abuses me.” And, let us not forget that women can also engage actively in domestic abuse and that can have equally devastating consequences for children who witness the abuse.

Modeling appropriate personal boundaries for our children is one of the best “gifts” we can give them. Seeing personal boundaries respected as we grow up automatically instills good boundaries in our children. They don’t even have to address this issue….they just do it (Imagine how great it would be if you didn’t have to struggle with this issue).

To wind this up, ya gotta start somewhere. I didn’t understand the concept of personal boundaries until I was in graduate school (oh, yes, a late bloomer!). What I am saying, is that it is NEVER too late to “get it.” WHEN I KNOW BETTER, I DO BETTER!

Sandy Fournier, M.A., LMFT

CFMHA Welcomes David Johns, LMHC

David L Johns, LMHC. David has been a licensed practitioner of psychotherapy in the Central Florida area for nearly 30 years. He has his Bachelors in Psychology and Masters in Counseling Psychology. Since 1985 David has begun to search for, study and utilize positive, solution-focused brief therapy models and has noticed that people respond quicker to these methods than "problem oriented" methods. He has certification in Neuro-Linguistic Programming, and this combined with extensive training in Solution Focused Therapy and Certification in Rapid Resolution Therapy, he became aware of the importance of “languaging” and effect-driven verbal and non-verbal communication as key components in change work. David is past president and founder of an organization that supports survivors of homicide. His specialties include trauma related disorders, anxiety and depression, and has assisted victims of crime, physical and sexual abuse. He has conducted Critical Incident Stress Debriefings for local law enforcement agencies. He has often been called as a media guest for local television and radio news and has been the subject of newspaper articles in the Central Florida area.

Personal Boundaries Part II

Last time I explained the importance of interpersonal boundaries – that everything from towns, states, countries and people need boundaries. I also gave an example of an interpersonal boundary violation. So, how do we go about setting these things called boundaries? I believe that many of us were raised in families where our boundaries were not respected. Maybe you lived in a home where a locked door could be easily picked by a bobby pin – and where this was done while you were bathing and a sister wanted a hairbrush on the shelf in the bathroom (No….of course that never happened to me!). This would be a home where children did not learn about the importance of interpersonal boundaries. Probably all family members disrespected individual boundaries. If you were raised in such a home, no one ever told you that you have a right to set and maintain such boundaries. If that is the case, please “listen” very closely, because I am giving you permission to set and maintain appropriate boundaries. Begin slowly – learn the wonder of the word “No.” Not, “No...I can’t watch your kid because……” Just “No,” with a smile, and without any explanation.
I think that sometimes when someone imposes on us (and do not kid yourself here – this person absolutely knows that they are imposing on you!), we are so busy not being impolite that we sacrifice our own boundaries on the altar of good manners. Not necessary. If you say, “No,” and someone asks “Why?” – your answer should be something along the lines of “Because I do not want to.” -- with the smile. If the requester continues pestering, smile and say nothing. You have already answered. You do not have to engage in answering any further. This is NOT being selfish – it is engaging in self-care. Try it – it is absolutely liberating.

Sandy Fournier, M.A., LMFT

Pre-marital Counseling

We have all heard the statistics, nearly half of all new marriages end in divorce. According to divorcerate.org, the actual numbers are 41 percent of all new marriages, 60 percent of second marriages and 73 percent of third marriages, end in divorce. In pre-marital counseling therapists can work with couples to address common areas of difficulty in relationships, strengthen the relationship and improve your chances of going the distance with your partner.

The reasons for divorce vary, from communication problems, to life situations, to financial reasons. Pre-marital counseling can assist couples with preparing for the obstacles that life throws at us.

One of the areas that pre-marital counseling can help with is communication skills and conflict resolution. Communication struggles are one of the most common problems within a relationship. In counseling, we can work with couples on improving their ability to listen, understand one another and empathize with each other. It is also important to know the ways in which each partner in the relationship expresses their communication, non-verbal, subtle, etc. I do not know of a relationship that has never had some form of conflict, and pre-marital counseling can help couples learn healthy conflict resolution skills to effectively deal with problems.

Another important area to explore within the relationship are the role expectations for each partner. Who will work? Who is responsible for the home? Who is responsible for the children? Cooking? Cleaning? These are just some of the various roles that are within a relationship, and sometimes, who will assume those roles can be the cause of conflict. Exploring each partners beliefs and expectations ahead of time, can prevent hurt feelings, resentment and conflict later in the relationship.

What are the goals each partner has in the relationship, both individually and as a family? What about career goals, and will those career goals possibly mean moving to another area or state? How does each partner feel about the possibility of moving? The exploration of these goals and the clear communication about the goals is another important aspect of pre-marital counseling. Along similar lines, the way in which the couple plans on attending to their finances can be explored and figured out.

In today's world, people have all sorts of levels of religious beliefs and spirituality (including none at all), and that can impact a relationship. Things such as where to get married, or who will marry the couple, will come up. If the couple has children what faith (if the couple so chooses to select a specific faith) with the children be raised in. These are issues that are important to identify ahead of time, because they can be very difficult to resolve after the fact, and pre-marital counseling can assist with that.

Another issue that can be addressed in pre-marital counseling, is that of family. Family issues that can be addressed are things such as whether or not each partner is interested in having children, blended family issues, and the roles that in-laws will play in the relationship as well as the family.

The top two reasons for entering into pre-marital counseling are that it will help bring you closer with your partner, and according to research, pre-marital counseling can reduce the risk of divorce by as much as 30 percent. If you are dating, preparing to take that next step, or if you are already married and would like to strengthen your relationship, Central Florida Mental Health Associates would like to help, give us a call.

Boundaries

All of us seem to know when our personal boundaries are being violated -- we may not always be so sure as to when we are violating the boundaries of others. Oh, sure, we know about not getting into another's personal physical space....we know when we are standing closer than we should to someone, etc. BUT, what about violating another's psychological boundaries. For example -- when we ask someone to do something for us that we know that they do not want to do, but we exert some sort of pressure to get our way. "Yeah, I know that you had plans to do some gardening this afternoon, but is that really so important that you can't watch my kid for just a half-hour while I run to the store?" -- and, of course, the mother of the dear-little-one is gone for over two hours. That's a boundary violation! One has violated the "friendship" boundary.

Boundaries are what keep the world in balance. They define one country from another...they define one state from another....one city from another.....one home from another....and, they set the line between one person and another. When one country violates the boundary of another country (enters without permission), countries go to war (just think about Iraq invading Kuwait back in the 1990's -- see where that took us). When our interpersonal boundaries are violated, we engage in some sort of "war" (even if that war is within ourselves, and not stated). Therefore, it is important that we learn the skills needed to allow each of us to set and maintain the appropriate personal boundaries that we need so that we don't feel put-upon, angry or hurt. As we first start to set interpersonal boundaries, we will probably feel quite uncomfortable ("He won't like me anymore....She may abandon me!"). Learning to say "No" when that word is appropriate takes practice. We don't have to be angry to set appropriate boundaries. We do need to know our bottom lines. Stay "tuned" for more on how to set appropriate interpersonal boundaries.

Sandy Fournier, M.A., LMFT

Recognizing and Dealing with Burnout

Does this picture feel familiar? Ever feel like you have gotten to the point where you no longer care, are exhausted and overwhelmed? You might be dealing with burnout. Burnout is the state of emotional, physical and mental exhaustion that results from prolonged stress, overwork, or intense activity. Anyone can experience burnout, whether you are someone who works in an office, a stay-at- home mother, or a student.

Some possible signs that you are experiencing burnout are that every day seems bad or hopeless; you are exhausted and wiped out; you spend your day doing nothing, focused on boring or overwhelming tasks; feel that regardless of what you do it will not make a difference; and when it comes to trying to make changes you wonder what is the point.

Some of the symptoms/effects of being burned out are:
1- decreased productivity
2- decreased energy
3- increased feelings of hopelessness
4- increased feelings of helplessness
5- feeling detached
6- lack of motivation and energy
7- apathy
8- lowered immunity
9- feelings of failure
10- use of food, alcohol or drugs to cope
11 - isolating
12 - procrastinating

There are three factors that tend to lead to burnout: personality; lifestyle; work/school/home environment. Some personality factors that can lead to burnout are being pessimistic, always in need of control, and being a perfectionist. Lifestyle factors that can cause burnout are things like all work and no play, lack of proper sleeping and eating habits, lack of a support network, and taking on too many responsibilities, trying to be too many things to too many people. The workplace/school/home environments have many factors that can lead to burnout, such as: working in a high pressured work environment; working in a dysfunctional situation; having unchallenging or boring work; lack of recognition for one's work, over expectations of work responsibilities; having different values; and having little or no control over your work.

Now that we know the effects/symptoms and factors that lead to burnout, let's talk about how to prevent them. One of the main things you can do for your overall health, physical, mental and emotional health, is to have a positive support network. Having a positive support network to turn to, can help to relieve some of the feelings of being overwhelmed. Try to re-focus your attitude, instead of looking at the things that did not happen, look at what did. Work on improving your problem-solving skills, evaluate your options and get creative with possible solutions. Work on managing the stressors that led to the burnout, and establishing healthy boundaries. In other words, if school was the primary source of your burnout, maybe take less classes, get a tutor, form a study group or re-organize. Be sure to get the proper amount of sleep, eat properly and exercise routinely (check with your doctor before beginning an exercise program). And finally, unplug. Give yourself time to get away from your computer, phone and television. I know a lot of my clients tell me that they use their television to unwind, but the truth is that it simply postpones reality. Go for a walk, swim, or read a good book.

If you are feeling burned out, counseling can be one way to help you manage your feelings and get back on your feet. If we can help, please give us a call.

To Sext Or Not To Sext?

Does your teen have a cell phone? According to Internetsafety101.org, seventy-three percent of teens do. So how up to date are you about their texting habits? Did you know that teens who text send an average of 118 texts per day? Are any of the texts your teens are sending sexts? Sexting is the act of sending sexually explicit pictures or messages by the use of cell phone.

Sexting is a growing habit amongst teens. Check out the following statistics:
20% of teens sext
22% of teen girls sext
18% of teen boys sext
11% of teen girls between the ages of 13-16 sext
23% of teens think sexting is okay
48% of teens think that adults over-react to sexting
and.....
86% of teens who sext are not caught.

The problem with sexting is that there is NO way to control it once it occurs. Once the images or texts are out there, the person receiving them has the power/control to do whatever they wants with those images/statements. There was a case in Cincinnati in July of 2008, where a teen girl sent her boyfriend a nude photograph, and it was circulated around her high school. She ended up committing suicide after the ensuing embarrassment and harassment from fellow classmates. In addition to the control factor, in some states teens caught with sexting pictures on their phones can be charged with possession of child pornography or felony obscenity.

So as parents what do we need to know? First off here are some key texts that parents should be aware of:
PAW - parents are watching
PIR - parents in room
POS - parent over shoulder
PAL - parents are listening
P911 - parent alert
CD9 - parents around
Code9 - parents around
These are just some of the abbreviations that teens are using to alert the people on the other end about parents are around. If you google "sexting abbreviations" you can find out what some of the other abbreviations mean (not listed here due to graphic content).

It is important to educate your teens about the consequences of sexting. Let them know that in some states they could face criminal charges, including possession of child pornography/distribution of child pornography, and the possibility of having to register as a sex offender. Make sure that they know that once they send those images out, there is no way to control where they go, or who sees them. The number one thing that you can do to help your teens is to talk with them. Have open dialogues with them and don't be afraid to have difficult discussions with them. It is better to have open discussions with them before something happen versus trying to make things better after the fact.

If you would like more information about sexting and what you can do check out ThatsNotCool.com